Poker Fight Night w/ Chad Holloway & Mark Hoke

by Chad Holloway

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In honor of the kickboxing match between Lex Veldhuis and Bertrand “ElkY” Grospellier, in which the former KO’ed the latter in Round 2, Mark Hoke of Short Stacked Radio and Chad Holloway of PokerNews have put together a list of fights they’d like to see in the poker world. The compilation and explanation is a bit of satire, so don’t take it too seriously. Although, it would be interesting to know who would win if they actually occurred. Some are forgone conclusions, but some would probably be pretty close.

Here’s a look at some of the top fantasy wrestling/boxing/MMA matches we’d like to see with a brief postulation as to how the action might go down. So, in no particular order:

Prahlad Friedman vs. Jeffrey Lisandro

Mark Hoke: The unforgettable ante showdown in 2006 spawns one of the nastiest beatings on the card. As the two are given their in-ring instructions by the referee, Friedman pulls a chip out of his glove. He flips it into Lisandro’s face yelling “Here’s your ante, b*tch!” Lisandro turns beet red, waits for the bell and then bull-rushes Friedman into the side of the cage, knocks him down, drops about 25 elbows into Friedman’s head and the ref stops the fight at 1:05 of the first round. Lisandro puts the chip in Friedman’s mouth and is carried out by his entourage victorious.

Chad Holloway: Prior to the match, Friedman serenades his fans with his latest rap that goes a little something like this:

“Yo, yo, yo, Ima bout to beat down Jeffrey Lisandro. Fool forgot to ante up, which is why he’s about to get my size 12 up his butt.”

The theatrics don’t sit well with Lisandro and he rambles across the ring before the bell sounds. He lays out Friedman, who’s back is turned, with a running Lex-Luger clothesline. All the while, Lisandro never loses the fedora firmly set upon his head. Lisandro, while satisfied, is promptly disqualified.

Phil Hellmuth vs. Antonio Esfandiari

MH: The palpable animosity between the two finally comes to fruition. Hellmuth sends out Rocky IV style videos to the press of him training with Anderson Silva for the fight. Meanwhile, Esfandiari enjoys his prop bet with Phil Laak of taking a shot of Grey Goose every time someone asks him about the fight during the lead-up. In the best shape of his life, Hellmuth takes to the ring focused and ready. Esfandiari is carried to the ring by eight showgirls wearing a silk robe and accompanied by Sam Grizzle. The bell rings and Hellmuth looks ready for war. But Esfandiari fakes a punch and kicks Hellmuth in the junk leaving him in a curled-up heap.  Antonio is disqualified but leaves the ring like a winner arm in arm with Grizzle laughing hysterically while the chorus of boos resonates from the crowd.

CH: The crowd waits in silence for the competitors when suddenly, POOF, a cloud of smoke appears in the middle of the ring revealing Antonio “The Magician” Esfandiari. Not a moment later, the arena’s sound system kicks in and AMG’s Bitch Better Have My Money comes on. Hellmuth strolls down the ramps, catering to the crowd; meanwhile, Esfandiari continues to execute magic trick after magic trick in the center of the ring. The jockeying for attention and fanfare continues, with no actual fight happening. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a draw.

Sammy Farha vs. Chris Moneymaker

MH: Hearing of the fight card, Sam Farha tracks down Moneymaker who was hanging out in Tunica and calls him out in front of an entire poker room. Chris refuses but one flip of ashes from Sammy’s cigar into his lap finally gets Moneymaker to agree to the fight. As the bell sounds, Farha takes control of the first two rounds as Moneymaker is still tentative and not really into the battle. But Sammy starts to put a needle to Chris to open Round 3 saying “You owe me 1.2 million dollars, fat boy!” and slaps Moneymaker. Moneymaker finally shows some fire for the first time in the fight, taking Farha down, chokes him out and gets the win by submission.  Moneymaker then does the Karate Kid nose-honk to Farha and walks out of the ring with a small grin.

CH: Sammy Farha is not the type of man to dirty his own hands; instead, he hires none other than the muscle-bound Erik Cajelais to mop the floor with Moneymaker. Clearly intimidated, Moneymaker darts around the ring, ducking and dodging the lumbering Cajelais. Farha watches the fight from his man’s corner, eventually grabbing Moneymaker’s leg and holding him for Cajelais. Moneymaker reels around, kicks Farha, then quickly turns and delivers his patented right hook, appropriately called “The Poker Boom,” to Cajelais draw. The man goes down, Farha quickly exits the arena, and the overmatched Moneymaker emerges victorious once again.

Greg Raymer vs. Mike “The Mouth” Matusow

MH: Who can ever forget the 2004 “big balls” trash talk between these two? Many applied to fight Matusow on the card but Raymer shockingly insisted on getting in the ring with “The Mouth”. As the bell sounds, Matusow tries to shake Raymer’s hand but Greg silently refuses. Matusow talks up a storm circling away from Raymer until Raymer fires a right hook squarely into Matusow’s gut. An all-out brawl ensues in the center of the ring with the crowd going crazy.  Time expires in the first round and both men go to their corner exhausted. Both realizing neither of them trained hard enough, they agree to simultaneously throw in the towel and the bout is ruled a draw. The crowd gives them a standing ovation as giant beach balls shower the ring.

CH: In preparation for the fight, Matusow opted to forgo his meds, putting him in a crazy state of mind. He enters the ring seemingly unable to focus. He is mumbling, twitching, and ogling the ring girls. On the other side of the ring, Raymer is calm, cool, and collected. He signs fossils for his fans while occasionally sipping a Diet Coke. When the bells finally sounds, the two men meet in the center of the ring. Neither throw a punch, rather Matusow verbally berates his opponent as Raymer stands motionless. This continues round after round as Matusow exhausts himself. In the last round, Matusow continues to talk, voice occasionally giving out, as Raymer cocks back his left fist and delivers a haymaker seven years in the making to Matusow’s gut. The Mouth falls to the mat, and for the first time, grows silent as the wind is knocked out of him.

Russ Hamilton vs. Howard Lederer

MH: By the demand of the poker community, Lederer and Hamilton are captured by Dog The Bounty Hunter and rolled into the ring hooded and in handcuffs. The ring is surrounded by hundreds of poker players who are none too happy with the past conduct of either. The ring announcements are made but once Hamilton and Lederer realize they have to fight, both try to climb the cage wall to escape. But every attempt to escape is thwarted with vicious reckless attacks. The two stand back to back in the ring refusing to fight. The scene becomes a near riot until Doyle Brunson walks through the crowd of players and into the ring as the crowd chants “Doyle!  Doyle!” Brunson takes the microphone, berates the two of them for ruining poker, gives them plane tickets to Antarctica and has them escorted to the airport by armed guards never to be seen again.

CH: Desperate to restore his reputation, Lederer vows to track down Russ Hamilton and deliver the beating of a lifetime. He travels to Gulfport and finds the 1994 WSOP Main Event Champion grinding a $2-$5 No Limit game. “Hamilton!” Lederer calls from across the room. The entirety of the poker room stops and turns their attention to Lederer. “It’s time one of us goes down once and for all,” Lederer explains. “We’ve done wrong and it is time we paid. The poker world may never forgive us, but we must do . . .” Lederer continues to rant as all eyes are on him, their attention totally captured; meanwhile, Hamilton sneakily creeps about the room, placing the bewildered players’ money and chips in an old UB knapsack. He exits out a side door after he’s cleaned out the players, Lederer quits his speech and bolts for the exit, and the duo meet outside to split the loot. The loser in this match is, of course, the players.

Jack Effel vs. Matt Savage

MH: After Savage rules against Effel in a $65 Tuesday Night Triple Draw event at the Commerce, the war was on. Savage and Effel actually go at it for two rounds splitting each round in a hard-fought battle. But in the third round, a piece of Effel’s wrist tape comes loose and accidentally cuts Savage’s pinky. The referee rules that Effel’s tape wrap was illegal and threatens to take a penalty point from Effel. Neither Effel nor Savage can believe the ruling and appeal to the official not to take the penalty point. The ref refuses their requests but Effel and Savage will not be overruled. Both take swings at the official and drop him. The two walk out arm-in-arm and the fight is ruled a no-decision.

CH: A match symbolic of the World Series of Poker versus the World Poker Tour, the tournaments directors of each are flanked by their respective posses. In Savage’s corner: Mike Sexton, Vince van Patten, Tony Dunst, and the Royal Flush Girls. In Effel’s: Ty Stewart, Seth Palansky, Nolan Dalla, and the Jack Link’s Beef Jerky Sasquatch. The first two rounds of the match are even, and in the third Savage accidentally knees Effel in the family jewels. The illegal blow sends Sasquatch into a frenzy and he enters the ring, winds up, and punts Savage out of the arena in a scene reminiscent to the Jack Link's commercials.

Tony G vs. David “Devilfish” Ulliott

MH: The pre-match hype for this match was incredible with trash-talking flying non-stop. As a matter of fact, it didn’t stop after the bell rang either. Despite Ulliot’s best efforts to actually land a punch, Tony G manages to completely talk smack for the entire first round while avoiding any physical contact. But come round two, Ulliot comes out for a fake handshake and catches Guoga with a roundhouse kick to the shin and stiff right uppercut. The action drops Tony G like a rock and Devilfish records a very satisfying knockout to the adulation of the crowd.

CH: Tony G and the Devilfish are arch rivals when it comes to smack talking, so the two decide to take it a step further with an old-school boxing match at the Aussie Millions. Tony G, accompanied only by his German shepherd, Zasko, makes his way to the ring on a bike where the Devilfish is already waiting, playing the guitar and harmonica for a group of 21 year-old Australian girls in the front row. In the actual fight, the two veterans pound each other, exchanging blows, as each become bloodied and bruised. The Devilfish, known for being in a scrape or two, decides enough is enough and reaches into his trunks, pulls out his two gold knuckledusters, dons them, and delivers a punch that lands squarely on Tony G’s forehead, knocking him out and leaving an imprint that reads, “Fish.” Unfortunately for Ulliott, the ref sees the illegal knuckledusters and awards the match to Tony G.

Viktor “Isildur1” Blom vs. Daniel “jungleman12” Cates vs. Tom “durrrr” Dwan

MH: Millions of dollars have changed hands between these three and the first ever triple-threat MMA-style match was signed for the card. Durrrr lands the first punch on Cates and Blom laughs while making a side-bet with durrrr for 100k that he can’t knock Cates down in under a minute. Cates actually takes a dive to cost Blom the money. Infuriated, Blom goes after Cates. While Blom is trying to twist Cates like a pretzel, durrrr walks over to the side of the cage and collects a 200k side bet from Phil Ivey that he could get Blom to lose it. Jealous, Blom lets up on Cates and makes a 500k bet with Ivey that he can make durrrr eat his own toe. Ivey takes the action and Blom slams durrrr against the cage and goes to work. Durrrr tries to fight Blom off but ends up with a toe in his mouth. Refusing to submit, durrrr offers 1 million to Cates to help him beat up Blom and then give up the fight so he wins. Cates accepts and the two beat Blom down ending his evening. But then Cates turns on Dwan and clocks him with a shocking roundhouse kick knocking him out. Cates goes out to the crowd and picks up 2 million from Erick Lindgren for betting against him in the fight.

CH: Do any of these three know how to fight? My guess is no; nonetheless, the triple-threat match is one of the most highly anticipated on the cards, with online railbirds literally taking to the rail of boxing ring for the best view of the action. Delayed 45 minutes so the participants can place bets, Daniel “jungleman12” Cates is first to make his way to the ring carrying his newly created “World Championship” belt, followed by Dwan and Blom.

The fight itself is more hype than satisfaction. This is the live fighting realm, not battle-bot fighting as in the film Real Steel, and everyone knows both Blom and Cates suck when it comes to live play. Dwan, on the other hand, is accustomed to the bright lights and fanfare and dispatches both opponents with ease, submitting Blom with a cross-faced chicken wing and knocking out Cates with a diamond cutter.

Annie Duke vs. Daniel Negreanu

MH: The main event of the evening has the crowd evenly split between Kid Poker and Duke.   As the two are brought the center of the ring, Daniel giggles and offers Annie a chance to call off the fight. 

Annie responds with a slap to Daniel’s face and the crowd erupts. The bell sounds and Daniel refuses to throw a punch while Annie tries to tear Daniel apart. Daniel continually restrains Annie and then lets her go which only infuriates Duke even more. After two rounds of this, the crowd is getting restless due the cycle of Daniel refusing to do any serious damage. The bell sounds in the third round and Duke decides to take a different tact. She walks out to the center of the ring and stands still daring Negreanu to take a shot. Daniel just can’t bring himself to do it and asks for the microphone. He then apologizes to Duke in the middle of the ring. Duke is stunned and reaches out to shake his hand and graciously accepts his apology. Daniel takes it and then puts her in an arm bar forcing her to submit and giggles like a schoolgirl skipping out of the ring victorious.

CH: The animosity between the last two fighter is palpable. Their bad blood goes back many years and are finally culminating in a real-life fight. No more war of words. Unfortunately for Negreanu, this is a no-win situation. Either he’ll be known as the man beaten by a woman, or the man who beat up on a woman. Negreanu realizes this and quickly hires a proxy to fight in his stead. While he’d like to bring in Joan Rivers, he knows she is too old and brittle. Instead, he brings in Melissa Rivers, Joan’s daughter, someone more Duke’s age.

Negreanu allow his crooked smile to creep across his face as the bell sounds and Rivers tears across the ring like a bat out of hell. Duke is surprised by her opponent’s speed and is unable to avoid Rivers’ kick to the abdomen. Duke keels over as Rivers grabs her hair and tosses her to the corner. Negreanu pins her arms as Rivers delivers slap after slap across Dukes chest. When all seems lost to Duke, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan rushes into the ring in his blue speedo, carrying the American flag and his trademark 2x4. “USA, USA, USA,” the crowd chants. 

“Hoooooooooooo,” Hacksaw bellows as he clobbers Rivers over the back of the head. Negreanu, clearly panicked and intimidated (he is Canadian after all), bolts up the entryway. On top, he stops and looks back at Duke and Hacksaw. “This isn’t over,” Negreanu say. “I challenge the two of you to a tag-team ladder match at the WSOP. My partner . . . fellow Canadian Bret “The Hitman” Hart.” Cue the music as Hart makes his way to the walkway and stands side by side with Negreanu.

Ok, I admit, that one got out of hand.

_{*Picture courtesy of PokerNews.}

What wrestling/boxing/MMA matches would you like to see? Use the comments section below to let us know. In the meantime, be sure to follow @HokesHouse and @ChadAHolloway on Twitter. Also, don’t forget to like Short Stacked Radio and PokerNews on Facebook!